Dear God, I'm A Virgin
by Calidus
Summary: Voldemort discovers something about himself...slash, LV/SS.


Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, all of you out there can thank your lucky stars that I can't pervert the actual books ;)

A/N: **THIS IS SLASH.   THIS IS A MALE HAVING SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT ANOTHER MALE.   WORSE, IT IS LORD VOLDEMORT HAVING SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT ANOTHER MAN, NAMELY (GASP!) SEVERUS SNAPE.   IF YOU FIND THAT DISGUSTING THEN GET OUTTA HERE!**

Lord Voldemort sat in the chair by the fire in the old Riddle House.   His father's accursed home was serving as a temporary base for he and his Death Eaters until he could find something more suitable.   He hated coming back here; it was the very last place he wanted to be.   This, however, was not the problem on the Dark Lord's mind at the moment.   

"Wormtail, do stop that," he spoke unemotionally to the chubby man dusting the room for the fourth time that day.   "Take your nervous habits elsewhere.   I have some thinking to do."

Wormtail looked up from his obsessive work.   "Thinking, master?   About what?" he asked timidly.   

Voldemort whipped his bright red eyes toward the smaller man.   He raised his wand, and saw his worthless servant cringe, bracing for impact.   Sighing, he lowered his wand again.   His thin, bony fingers rubbed his temples as he looked down into his lap.   "I must truly be a fool for taking him back," the man spoke to himself.

Wormtail's eyes went wide.   "M-Master, I thought I had proven-" 

"Not you, you imbecile!" Voldemort snapped.   "Snape."   The Dark Lord's voice grew softer and more tired.   "Truly, I must be a fool.   He already betrayed me once before!"   His voice rose as he swiftly left his chair and began pacing the room.   "He deserved far more punishment, at the very least!   Only three doses of Cruciatus!   How could I have let him get off so easy?" he shouted, scaring Wormtail so badly that the man scrambled behind the chair the Dark Lord had recently been occupying.

"If it had been anyone else," he continued, kicking down a small glass table that Wormtail had just finished cleaning, "I would have ripped out that person's still-beating heart and eaten it for lunch!   I know he's still working for Dumbledore, I just know it!" he bellowed.   He hefted his chair up and threw it to the other side of the room.   Voldemort looked down at Wormtail, who was now curled up in the fetal position.

"And not only did I let him live, I even invited him right back into my Inner Circle!   No demotion at all!   Why?   Why have I been so...so forgiving?" he spat out the last word with particular contempt, finally stopping his rampage and sitting down on the back of his overturned chair, chin on his fist, sulking.

The room was silent for a few moments, until Wormtail squeaked quietly and slowly curled himself out of his protective ball.   He stood up, his back hunched over.   "M-Master?"

Voldemort's red eyes snapped up to meet Wormtail's own.   His servant began shaking in terror.   "P-Perhaps...perhaps you-"

"Spit it out, Wormtail," he hissed.

"Um...perhaps you...like him?" he finished, his entire body quivering.

Voldemort snorted.   "Like him?   You know I do not favor servants unless they do something noteworthy to aid me, and Snape certainly has not done that.   The bastard betrayed me!" he growled.

Wormtail's hands shook even more, if it were possible.   "M-M-Master, I meant that you might...LIKE like him, my Lord."

Voldemort smirked.   "Like like him?   You sound like you're still in grade school, you idiot.   Besides, I'm a man, at least mostly.   I am attracted to women."

"Well, sir, when was the last time you had one?" he asked.   His eyes widened, having the sinking feeling that he had gone much too far.

Luckily for him, Voldemort was too caught up in wondering that exact same thing.   He thought back to his glory days, before he had been almost killed by that thrice-damned Potter.   He mentally shook his head.   He had been too busy.   Taking over the world is a full-time occupation, after all.   He thought back further, to the times when he was developing his powers, creating protections that he hoped would one day lead him to immortality.   Hmm...he had been too busy then too, brewing his potions and casting his charms and curses.   Beginning to have a very bad feeling about this, he desperately thought back to his Hogwarts days, when he had been quite preoccupied with learning every spell he could find, discovering the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets, and later creating the diary that held the secret to reawakening the beast within it.   

Reality came crashing down.   "Dear God, I'm a virgin," he muttered, eyes wide in amazement.   Wormtail gasped.   Voldemort glared.   He hadn't meant to say that out loud.   Abruptly the Dark Lord got up and strode over to his servant.   Voldemort grasped Wormtail's by his throat and slammed him against the wall.   "That never leaves this room, understand?" he growled out from behind clenched teeth.   Wormtail, turning blue in the face, nodded frantically.   Voldemort released him, and he fell loudly onto the creaky old floor.   "Where were we?" Voldemort asked.

Wormtail sat awkwardly, rubbing his sore throat.   "You were saying how foolish it was to let Snape back into the Circle, and I said it was because you LIKE like him, and you said you only like women, then I asked you how long it had been since-"

"Shut up," his master interrupted.   Wormtail shut up.   Voldemort scratched his chin thoughtfully, beginning to pace the room again.   "So...you think because I've never had sexual relations with anyone of the female persuasion that I must be homosexual?"   He turned back to Wormtail with a swish of his cloak.

"Well...yeah," he shrugged, non-committal.   "I mean, even I have-"

"Yes, yes, well," Voldemort cut him off again, not wanting to get into a detailed account of Wormtail's own sexual encouters.   The Dark Lord shuddered involuntarily at the thought.   "I haven't done anything with men either, though," he pointed out.

"But did you ever...want to?" he asked uncomfortably.

Voldemort thought about it.   Lucius...no...Avery...certainly not!...Dumbledore...God no!   Snape...Snape...maybe once.   Or twice.   Come to think of it, although he had conveniently been too busy to notice any of the female Death Eaters like Mrs. Lestrange, he had always been able to take the time to watch the way the moonlight played on Snape's long, thick hair.   And the way his black eyes shone with delight at his first Muggle torture session, when his slim hips wiggled almost femininely, how his ass looked when he leaned over, and how Voldemort had always wondered if Snape's nose was any indication of his size elsewhere.   "Shit," Voldemort murmured.   

He sat down again, looking rather downtrodden.   Wormtail didn't dare press his luck any further with more questions.   After a few silent minutes, Voldemort suddenly perked up, a bright lightbulb going off in his mind.   He knew exactly how to rid himself of his virginity, and find out whether he was gay.   Smiling mischievously, he looked over to the very uncomfortable Wormtail, and spoke.   

"Go get Snape."


End file.
